All merfish live in sea caves, but they frequently go out. Merfish love the sun. The only merfish that doesn't like sun is the great white, however, they like moonlight and are commonly seen mooning themselves on isolated beaches and ice flows. A popular pastime for the playful merfish is combing their hair. This is, for most species, done on a rocky outcropping on our near a sandy beach. California valley merfish are particularly fond of big surf on hot sunny days and Peles are known to have a fondness for coconuts.

How to Catch 'Em

Everyone I talked to had their own opinion about how to attract merfish. One old salt from Portugal told me "it's not how deep you fish 'em, but how you wiggle your bait." The general consensus is that merfish are way too smart to be caught with a hook and line, or a net.

In fact many fishermen told of having exotic merbaits taken off the hook and replaced with such oddities as rubber boots and sea cucumbers. We left no shell unturned in our search to find someone who had actually caught a merfish and with my conversations with fisherpersons who knew someone who had, I'd be remiss in my duties if I didn't warn you to a man they couldn't tell me who caught who. "Sam had seen this mermaid a couple of times, we were walking on the beach late one afternoon. I heard this soft singing and looked, sure enough she was playing in the surf. Sam said I'm going to go say hello to Morganna. He just kept walking out to sea, we never saw him again. Didn't even turn around to say goodbye. All merfish love music. Seamen have known this for centuries. No strategy for attracting a merfish is complete without it. The ageless choice is classical chamber music featuring violins and cellos. If you're in the tropics you might try Mexican guitar band or steel drums. I hear the California valley merfish have been known to show up for Beach Boy music. But you know how it is fishing, if something doesn't work, try something else.

If You're After a Mermaid

A mermaid's best friend is diamonds, gold, and maybe, if it's a Pele you're trying to impress, fire opals. Seamen for centuries have been wearing gold earrings so that if they fell overboard they could pay tribute to a merfish for saving their life. (Great white mermaids have been known to demand tribute.)

What you need to do is find a likely beach, set up a table with a chair and gold framed mirror, mermaids are at least as vain as humans. Of course you want to cover the table with lace. The key item you need is a very special gold hairbrush studded with a few of her favorite rocks. Of course you need to provide her with an exquisite dinner, don't bring her seafood; they eat it all the time. Try something like veal cordon bleu. Don't forget the roses and chocolates with macadamia nut filling. Champagne might be nice also.

If You're After a Merman

The way to a merman's heart is through his stomach. What these guys like is steak. And a lot of it. Try fillet mignon, two nice thick ones. Mermen also love melons, so include that in your merman menu. Bring top quality ale, by the gallon. You bet they drink like fish. Finish up with an exotic French desert.

The next time you're out trolling and see an anomaly on the old depth finder, pipe some Bach down the transducer, toss a couple of coconuts over the side, and see who shows up!